What Is Your Sign?

     I don't mean your zodiac sign. The sign I'm talking about is more like a patroness from Harry Potter. What do you envision that will give you confidence and feel protected? It needs to be something that means something to you for some reason. My sign is a white tiger.

  I have always been drawn to tigers. When I was a little kid, I got excited when we went to the feline house at the zoo and I still get excited about seeing the tigers at the zoo. It wasn't until I became an adult that the tiger became my "patroness" and is also when it became important that it was a white tiger.

  I was in college when my parents divorced and later my mom remarried. My mom's husband wasn't much older than me and I didn't get along with him. My mom stopped talking to me and started defending her husband (even when he threatened my sister's dog with a hammer). One night, I had a dream about being locked in a fenced area and then the fence broke and a white tiger was there to encourage me to climb over the broken fence while my mom's husband was trying to fix it. After I climbed over the fence, the tiger gave me the confidence to walk away and not let my mom and her husband lock me back in the fenced area. I was free and the white tiger helped me.

 

I did some dream research to find out the meaning of my dream and found tigers represent protection and strength, especially when going to war (in the literal war meaning and also representing fighting for yourself.) The descriptions I was finding were perfect representations of my dream and what was going on in my life. I loved what found in my research.

  Soon after the dream, my confidence began to increase and I was becoming happier. I did an oil pastel drawing of a white tiger and my husband framed if for me and it always hangs in a spot I will see it the most in our home. It reminds me to stay strong and makes me feel safe.

  When I was in college, my mom talked myself and my sibling into getting a dragon tattoo like her and her husband. I used to hide my dragon tattoo because it represented so many bad things. A few years ago, I decided to have the tattoo covered up with a tiger. Once the tattoo artist started working on the tattoo, I began to feel calmer and happier. Once you could no longer see the dragon, I began to feel emotional and wished I had covered up the tattoo years ago. I love having my tiger with me everywhere I go. I have only had the tiger tattoo for a few years, but I have received more compliments on it than I ever did in the almost 20 years I had the dragon. I don't try hiding it anymore and I love showing him off.

  My white tiger is my sign of protection, courage and strength. Your sign can be anything that has meaning to you personally. It could be your zodiac sign, an element, an abstract symbol, or anything else that has a meaning to you. It should give you confidence, keep you calm, make you happy, protect you, etc. Keep your sign or symbol somewhere you will see it often. You don't have to have it tattooed on your body or make a large drawing or painting. Keep it where ever works best for you.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

   Sorry about not posting in a long time. I've been taking care of some medical stuff and needed to focus on that for awhile. I'm happy to announce that has been taken care of and I'm back on my own track.

  I have written about five different versions of this post. It's hard to explain why I think learning to respect yourself is so important and why I believe you have to respect yourself before you can love yourself. I decided to avoid all of the technical and boring definitions  and go with how I feel and what I believe.

  When you think about people you care about and like to be around, you realize you have some form of respect for each of those people. You may respect them for a personality trait, an achievement they have had, or  lots of other options.

  Now, think about what you respect about yourself. This might be hard, especially if you have low self-esteem. If you can't come up with anything, you can't expect other people to come up with reasons to respect you, either. 

  If you find what you respect about yourself, then you will begin to treat yourself better, which will make you happier. When you are happier, other people will be more comfortable around you and will also treat you with more respect. If you only focus on your faults, you will be miserable and unhappy. When you are unhappy, other people will be less comfortable around you and won't respect you.

  Sharing your list with other people can be hard. Don't worry about what other people will think about your list. This is YOUR list, not their list. Here are a few things on my list of things that I respect about myself:

• I am a very patient person which makes me a great person to train new employees at work.
• I am a creative person. This includes crafts, art, cooking and baking.
• I like helping people. This is also one of the reasons I wanted to start this blog.
• I like to make people happy. (This can sometime be a bad thing, so I have to make sure to keep it on the positive side.) I'm good at calming an angry 3-year-old niece and get her to laugh while she's still wiping her tears off of her face from her temper-tantrum.

  This is a very short list, but it should help you start on your own list. Work on your list a little at a time. Keep the list somewhere you can get to it easily to add more to it or review it often, especially when you are feeling down.

My Favorite Crystals

  I decided the next positive post has to be about my favorite crystals. I love pretty much all crystals, but there are a few that are my favorites. My #1 favorite is Amethyst, especially the banded Amethyst. I have one on my desk at work, by my bed, in my traveling bag, in a necklace pendant and I carry one in my pocket all of the time. I am very drawn towards Amethyst, especially in stressful situations. If I'm stressed or feeling anxious, I reach in my pocket and hold the one I keep in my pocket and instantly feel calmer and more confident.

 

  Amethyst is my most favorite crystal because it has so many different uses. I have many different sizes for many different ways of using them. 
  Amethyst is very calming, protective, relieves stress, eases frustration, and encourages peace and courage. It reduces anxiety, helps concentration and helps with decision making. It also works as an anti-inflammatory, antiseptic and can speed up the healing process.

  Black Tourmaline is my next favorite and it is a very protective crystal. I keep The large piece by our front door and a few little pieces in a jar by the back door to block bad energy from coming into our house. I also have some in a little container to hang by the door to the camper and some in even smaller bottles to place in the four corners of a motel room. This crystal also helps with anxiety and helping you stay alert. When you are learning to respect yourself, you can't let in the bad energy and bad vibes from other people so, this crystal is perfect for helping with that.

  Lapis Lazuli is a beautiful blue crystal and is most known for inner peace, trusting yourself and finding truth. When I found out it is good for headaches, I ordered my first one. If I have a bad headache, I hold it against my forehead and I can feel the difference. It may be because I'm placing a cold stone against my forehead, or it may be the crystal doing it's job. Whatever the reason is, I keep one nearby for bad headaches. I also use this crystal for helping with public speaking, boosting immune system and helping to express myself during a job interview.

  White Howlite is also one of my favorites. It is sometimes dyed to look like turquoise or just because some people don't think the pretty white color is as pretty as I think it is. White Howlite has a very soothing energy. It is used to boost patience, helps with insomnia, calms anger and helps with stress. It is handy to have during studying because of the calming energy and it also helps with memory. If we are having a family get-to-gather, I make sure I have one in the room where most of the people are going to gather to take advantage of the soothing energy and to help tensions low. I also have one in a satchel near my bed because it is such a helpful crystal for sleep.

  Red Jasper became one of my favorites when I found out it helps with heart burn. I have suffered from heart burn for most of my life and holding a piece of Red Jasper against my chest helps calm it down. Changing my heart burn medication also helped BIG time.

  Red Jasper is also used for helping with stress, soothes anxiety, and is an encouraging crystal. It is also a good crystal to keep by your bed at night to help calm thoughts that are keeping you awake at night.

  These are just a few of my favorites. I'm only sharing very basic uses for each crystal so feel free to do your own research on the crystals you're interested in.

  Not every crystal is going to work the same for each person. Even though I find amethyst very powerful, you may not find it powerful at all.

Keep It Positive

 I decided I wanted to make sure my blog posts stay on positive topics for awhile. There is too much negative stuff going on right now so I wanted to focus on positive and happy stuff. I decided affirmations was a great topic to start with. An affirmation is a positive statement about what is going on or what you want to happen. You should write your affirmations down to help make them happen and also to help remind you about them. They can be goals, hopes, or just a reminder of something to give yourself a mental boost in stressful times. Keeping the message positive helps you reach your goals, manifests positive energy, and helps with motivation and your mental health.

 

 You can write your affirmations down in a journal, on slips of paper and then put them in a special place, in a note taking app on your phone, or anywhere else you will be able to see it. You don't have to actually read the affirmation every time, sometimes just seeing the slip of paper or the box you placed the slip of paper in helps remind you of what is written on it. Seeing the journal you wrote it in or the page you wrote it on can help you remember what the message is, also. You shouldn't only rely on seeing the box or journal to remind you what the message says, though. Once in awhile, you should read what your wrote down to help strengthen the message and the reminder.

 

 Using affirmations can help with both your long-term and short-term goals and problems. You can also write down multiple affirmations for multiple goals and/or problems and then store them together or separately.

 

The only rule is (and it's an important one) : Only use positive words! Don't use any negative words at all, even if you are using the negative words in a positive way. If one of your goals is to improve your grades and you really need to focus on a specific test, don't use "I will not flunk the test." That sentence has two negative words: not and flunk. Instead, use "I will pass the test." or "I will do great on the test."

 I write my affirmations on a slip of paper and put them in a pretty box with some crystals in it and then place the box on my night stand. When I go to bed every night and when I get up every morning, I see the box and remember what is written in there. I'm not going to share every affirmation I have written, but I will share two that I am very happy about. In January, I had a horrible pain in my arm and we couldn't figure out what was going on. My doctor scheduled an MRI and I was very nervous about whether it would give me definitive results or not. When the MRI was scheduled I wrote: The MRI will show what is causing my pain." Ever day before the MRI and then every day until I got the results I saw the box and remembered what was written inside. While I was laying in the MRI machine for a little over an hour, I also kept repeating the affirmation in my head. Repeating the affirmation in my head also helped distract me from the uncomfortable feeling of being in the machine and the sounds it made. Having that affirmation helped me not freak out about what the results would be and most of all, that I would spend all that money to have the test done and then it wouldn't show anything. My affirmation cam true and I was able to take that one out of the box and add "Physical therapy will help my neck." That affirmation also came true.

 

 I love my affirmation box, but some people prefer writing their affirmation in a journal. It can be a special journal just for affirmations, a bullet journal, your every day journal or maybe just a small notebook that you carry with you every day. Whatever works best for you. I think I prefer my box because a journal can get put in a bag or something set on top of it and then get forgotten. My box is a little harder to get hidden, plus I can put crystals in it to help with the positive energy. You can also use a combination of boxes and journals, if that helps you more.

 

Your affirmations don't have to be focused on a certain goal or problem, either. They can be general statements that you need to remind yourself of occasionally, like "I am confident." or "I am strong." Sometimes, we need to give ourselves little pep talks and having some affirmations already written down can help. If you are having a really tough day (or week) and are having a really hard time coming up with anything positive, you can pull out affirmations and read them. If there is something that consistently triggers your negative thoughts, you can write your affirmations based on them. My general affirmations are based around my job because it is what consistently brings out my negativity. While writing this post, I came up with the idea of using a smaller box for some work based affirmations to keep on my work desk. That will help when I feel like I can't do anything right at work and start to focus on my negative thoughts.

 

I hope this helps you stay positive during these crazy times. Feel free to share affirmations you feel comfortable with sharing or let me know if you need help writing your affirmations.

 

 

My Own Path

  I never thought I would be doing a post about spirituality. First, I'm not saying everyone should start converting to what I believe. This post is about my experience, what works for me, and what I believe. If you believe something else, that is perfectly fine with me because that is what works for you and what you believe in.  I haven't liked "religion" since I was told at a very, very young age that I couldn't go to Heaven because I wouldn't eat my peas. If the only way into Heaven is through eating those nasty little green balls, then I don't want to go anyway! When I was in high school, a new friend asked what church I went to. I told her I didn't go to church and she said "It's ok, God still loves you." That's when I realized how negative most religions really are.

 I wasn't comfortable with all of the rules that most religions have and the thought of  God or the devil watching me all of the time waiting for me to do something bad so they can judge me one way or the other made me extremely uncomfortable. I didn't feel comfortable with some of the beliefs or having to memorize a book and prayers. I like the idea of rituals, but I don't like someone saying it has to be done a certain way, with specific movements and the "correct" words.

Last year, I got interested in crystals and the energies they give off. My research of crystals led to researching Paganism and I fell in love. The best part is, there are no "rules." I can believe what I want, practice how I want and I don't have to worry about some entity judging me all of the time. I love that there is so much positivity associated with Paganism instead of punishments for not doing something correctly or believing the right thing. I can focus on my crystals and candles, or I can research herbs, or some other part instead of someone telling me what I need to buy and focus on. I like that Paganism can be combined with Christianity if I choose to, which helps make family get-togethers less stressful for me.

 Another thing I love about Paganism is, being outdoors enjoying nature is not only a good thing, but is encouraged. Instead of being required to go to a building full of other people and being told what to do and believe, I can go out on the lake and fish, or ride a trail on my ATV, or wake up in my camper out in the middle of nowhere. Being in nature is a way of showing respect to whoever you believe created everything.

 Paganism is very adaptable and I am free to believe what I believe and feel what I feel. I am more comfortable in this positive belief system and I don't have to eat peas! I like that rituals are very adaptable to the resources I have and the beliefs I have. A ritual can be something as simple as my morning routine for getting ready for work. Taking a shower, picking out my clothes and jewelry, making my breakfast and morning cup of tea are all part of a daily ritual to help me get my work day started. Carrying a bag of crystals in my pocket, looking at the bowl of crystals on my desk gives me a quick mental break that helps me feel connected to my beliefs.

 Since I started researching Paganism, I have felt more positive in my overall life. I handle stress better and I am happier. I didn't realize how depressed and negative I had become until I was focusing on the positive things around me. I don't feel judged all of the time anymore, I feel supported and comforted. I don't feel like I'm doing everything wrong anymore, I have the confidence and courage to make and reach my goals. I can fill by own book with beliefs, notes, prayers and rituals and I don't have to share it with anybody unless I want to.

 

Get Back on Track

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've done a post! I got off track due to a neck injury, work problems and family health problems. I am working hard on getting back on track.

When a real train gets off track, the train wrecks. When you get off track with whatever goal you're working on, you have to stop and re-evaluate what happened and why it happened before you wreck. You may need to make some changes to the track (your goal) or the train (the way you are getting to your goal). Here are a few ways I have had to change my trains and tracks over the last few months.

The train traveling on the new job track had to slow down. Right now, there are so many people that have lost their jobs and businesses that have a hiring freeze due to COVID-19, finding a new job is almost impossible. I have had to stop this train a few times to re-evaluate which track it should be following. I'm not giving up on this goal, I'm just having to slow it down and let it stop for supplies (and support) more often. I have kept taking some online classes that have been very helpful and have also boosted my confidence level a little bit. I'm hoping this train can get back to it's normal speed soon.

The health and weight loss train had to take a new track for a couple months while I dealt with a neck injury. Thankfully, that train didn't have to use the surgery track; the physical therapy track worked just fine and I am back to the original track I was on. I'm not as far down the track as I would like to be though, but I keep reminding myself of the detour I had to take and how miserable I was.

I had started a train on a track to make peace with my sister, but that train wrecked in a big explosion not long after it was placed on the track. I grieved the loss of that train for awhile, but then I realized that train was not on a track with a realistic goal attached to it. I let that train burn up. Thankfully, there were no casualties because I hadn't let anybody board that train yet.

The track associated with this blog got turned into a storage area for awhile. The train sat still and became a storage for ideas and goals, but I had to focus on the other trains for awhile to get them back on their own tracks.

When you get off track, you need to figure out how and why it happened and consider making some changes. Do you need to make changes to your train (diet or work-out plans for weight loss goals, study habits for grade improvement goals)? Do you need to change your track (change the type of job you want to obtain or the company you want to work for, change the amount of weight you want to lose)? Once you make some adjustments to your train or tracks, you start working on your goals again.

What are the tracks you are on (your goals) and what kind of trains are you using (the way you are achieving your goals)?

Feeling Pretty

  One way you can work on respecting yourself is doing things that make you feel good about yourself. One way to make yourself feel good is to do things that make yourself feel pretty. There are a lot of ways of doing this and you don't have to spend a lot of money doing them.

  Doing your nails will definitely make you feel pretty. Choose colors that make you happy and try colors that you may have never thought would look good on you. If you can afford to have your nails done regularly, go for it! Make sure you choose someone that you will enjoy spending the time with and will make your appointment fun. I've been to a couple that spent more time yelling at their kids or talking to clients of other nail techs, than they did speaking to me. (That piece of advice goes with getting your hair done, too.)

Yes, that is a chocolate bunny earring.

  Wearing jewelry will also make you feel pretty. I LOVE buying new earrings! I would love buying necklaces, but at my current job, I'm not really able to wear much more than a watch and earrings. I make sure I have fun earrings, though. I have a lot of seasonal earrings, especially Christmas. There are companies like Paparazzi, that make pretty jewelry that aren't going to cost you a ton of money. (If you need a Paparazzi jewelry consultant, let me know, I know a good one. Their jewelry is only $5 each!) I am always getting compliments on my earrings and that makes me feel even better about myself.

This is my lotion collection at work. The one on the far right is my favorite!

  Scented lotions, body wash, body spray and perfume can also help you feel pretty. Make sure you like the scent. Dealing with a scent all day you don't like can have the opposite effect. We had some funky smelling hand soap at work for awhile and it made everybody grumpy. A few of us started bringing in our own hand soap because the stuff provided to us was horrible.

  Another way to help yourself feel pretty is spending a little extra time in the morning on your hair, make-up or choosing what you want to wear. If you wear a uniform or scrubs, this may not work so well for you. Also, if you work at a job you sweat a lot or in an office that is kept warm all year and your make-up melts away and your hair doesn't stay where you want it, this also may not work. I miss working in a regular office that I could wear nice clothes and do my hair and make-up.

  Doing small things to make you feel pretty, can make a big difference in how you feel about yourself and help you respect yourself. 

Cutting Out Toxic People

  My definition of a toxic person is someone who always brings you down either by words or actions. Toxic people can even be close to you: friends, family members, boss, co-workers, classmates, teachers, spouse/partner, etc. These people can make you feel horrible when you should be feeling great. These people can also make you feel worse when you are feeling down. They can also make you feel guilty for your accomplishments because they don't have an accomplishment to celebrate.
  My advice on toxic people is to cut them out of you life, no matter who they are. That sounds harsh, but from my own experience, it makes you feel better and it strengthens your relationships with the non-toxic people in your life. Keeping a toxic person close to you, will only make you feel worse and worse every day.
  My own mother was one of the toxic people I cut from my life. She was the one that actually stopped talking to me because I started sticking up for myself. At first, I was hurt and upset. When I realized not having her around to put me down all of the time, I felt better about it. I started to feel better about myself and I wasn't second guessing my decisions anymore. It was about 15 years ago when she stopped speaking to me and she died about 12 years ago. When she died, we still weren't speaking and I don't have any regrets about it. It sucks that I wasn't there for her while she was sick and that we didn't make up before she passed away, but I know me being there would have caused more drama and she didn't need that when she was so sick.
  My own mom would put me down and make me feel horrible. When I was diagnosed with PCOS, she had to interrupt me explaining it to her and talk about her female problems that were resolved when she had her hysterectomy (and I knew about, because I was there for her surgery and recovery).  When I had my gallbladder surgery, she did the same thing and had to explain how her experience was so much worse (it was, but I knew that already). When I won an award or got a promotion at work, she would make me feel guilty because she didn't win anything or get promoted. It got to the point that I didn't want to tell her anything anymore.She was very bad for my mental and emotional health. To this day, when I am doing something or making a decision, she is in my head telling me I'm doing it wrong or that's the wrong decision. I'm getting a lot better at ignoring her.
  My sister and I can't be around each other or have a civil conversation. She is a lot like our mom, which surprises me since she went through the same experiences I did. The difference is, my sister says things that she knows will hurt. Once example is, she was also diagnosed with PCOS. She was talking about the treatments she was doing and asking me questions. We were talking about fertility treatments and all of a sudden she said "I'll never give up like you did." That hurt a lot. I never gave up. At the time she told me this, we were trying to decide if I should do another round of the fertility medication or not. Soon after, I lost my job and insurance. She also likes to remind me as much as she possibly can that I am not working in the field I went to college for. The only time we "talk," is when something is going on with our dad. I've tried to have a relation ship with her, but then when we talk in person or have a conversation about something other than our Dad, I am reminded why we don't talk. The anger and hurt builds up inside of me and I can't think or speak in complete sentences. i actually feel rage when I speak to her.
  The third most toxic person in my life is a little harder to cut out of my life, because he is my boss. I'm working on it, but it's not happening as fast as I would like it to. My boss can make you feel like the world's dumbest person in 3 seconds. Even when you are right, he makes you feel like you aren't. He will change the schedule or one of his meetings will be changed and he won't tell me and then when it's wrong in the computer and/or on the calendar, he gets mad at me. He also blames staff for messages he lost or forgot about, telling the people his staff didn't tell him. At the end of the day, I'm exhausted and frustrated and I don't feel good about myself at all. Because I need a job, it's harder to cut him out of my life.
  When toxic people are bringing you down all of the time, it is hard to respect yourself. You end up feeling worse about yourself, even though you are making improvements, reaching goals, earning achievements, or any other good thing happening in your life. In order to respect yourself, you have to get rid of the other people that don't respect you. A mother and sister should respect you enough to listen to what is going on with you, be happy for your achievements, and most importantly, not tell you horror stories about their surgery when you are going in for a similar surgery! I hate that I had to cut family out of my life, but at the same time, I like myself a lot more now. Since I like myself a lot more, that means I can respect myself a lot more.

Turning A Negative Space Into A Happy Place

    I noticed that sitting at my desk at work brought on a lot of negative feelings, so I started adding things to make it a happy place. I started off small with pictures of my family and postcards of artwork by some of my favorite artists. Then I started to add other stuff.

  My crystals have made a HUGE difference. They are in a ceramic bowl I made in college, right in front of my computer screen. When I'm stressed out and need a mental break, I can look at them and instantly feel calmer and more energized. I also can look at them when I am on the phone with a difficult person. They help me stay calm and not hang up on the person.

  Another thing I added was a few of my Scooby-Doo collection. My Scooby Clock has been on my desk ever since I got my first desk job. Every time his battery dies, I get nervous that he isn't going to work again. I love having him tell me what time it is. Having something that makes me happy and that I collect, is another thing I can look at while I am taking a mental break.

  Funny office supplies is a lot of fun to have on my desk. I found some fun office supplies like my cassette tape tape dispenser and my Polaroid camera sticky note dispenser. I wish I could find a funny stapler and staple remover as funny as my tape dispenser and sticky note dispenser.

My favorite item in my area is my felt board that I can change the saying on. This year I decided to go with quotes from cartoons. Everybody loves reading the sayings on my board. I even had to start posting them on my personal Facebook timeline because my family wanted to see my new sayings.
   I also love my seasonal decorations (I have a small Christmas tree for December). The seasonal decorations are fun and are something new every few months. That vase gets a lot of use through out the year with different acrylic decorations added it it.
  I also have some little doodles that were drawn by my niece. When she comes to visit, she loves doodling on sticky notes at our house and I love bringing them to work and hanging them up so I can see them.
  My Himalayan salt lamp hasn't been plugged in yet. I need an extension cord because the plugs near my desk are all full. I'm excited to finally get to use it.

  My little block calendar is one of my favorite desk decorations. I can change the decorative part for each season, giving my desk a little bit of change.
  You may not have a big enough work space to do this much customizing, but if you get creative, you can find ways of adding something happy or calming to your work space. If you have a shared work space, you may have to come up with something mobile that you can set up when it is your turn in the space. Personalizing an area that can cause frustration and depression can make a HUGE difference in how you feel. I noticed once I started adding my personalization, my mood and motivation level started to improve. Being able to look at my personal items that make me happy can relieve my stress level and help me get back on track to getting my work done.

My PCOS Battle

  I thought about saving this post for later, but I keep mentioning my health problems and making changes and PCOS is the center of those health problems and one of the main reasons for the changes. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) around 2004 and it was a relief and a burden at the same time.
  The relief was, that there was finally an explanation for a bunch of the symptoms. I have dealt with embarrassing facial hair and arm hair, irregular periods and weight gain since high school. I tried everything I could on my own and nothing worked. I just dealt with people making fun of me and pretended it didn't hurt.
  The burden was that there is no cure for PCOS and I would still have to try to figure out how to manage the symptoms on my own along with some medications. It also meant that there was a possibility I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. When my husband and I were ready to try to have kids, I started Clomid for fertility and started that process. The Clomid made me feel crazy and angry all the time, so when it was obvious it wan't going to work, I really didn't want to try another fertility treatment in case it made me feel worse. Around that same time, the economy was not doing good and I was working for a real estate office and they had to let go of most of the office staff. That meant I lost my insurance which meant I stopped going to the doctor and eventually stopped taking all of the medication for PCOS.
  I went ten years ignoring my PCOS. About two years ago, I realized I had ignored it for way too long. I started researching ways to improve it on my own which led me to crystals, but I knew I needed to get into a doctor. The initial labwork came back with high testosterone (I knew that was going to happen) and pre-diabetes (I didn't know that was going to happen). I panicked and started doing everything the doctors were telling me to do. I went to see a nutritionist, found a new primary care doctor, started the medication, started exercising more, found a diet I could follow and started focusing on myself.
  During the 10 year break and then the start of making changes, I also had to deal with the realization that I would never have a baby. I dealt with my disappointment and negative feelings about myself, but it was hard. When people asked when we were going to have kids or why we weren't having kids, it was a reminder that my body failed me.When people told me that if it was meant to be it would happen, that made me feel worse. It made me feel like God didn't think I was worthy or good enough to be a mother. Adoption wasn't an option either because I couldn't deal with the possibility of losing the kids I was attached to. I knew several couples that went through the foster and adoption process and were almost at the point of adoption and then at the last minute, the kids went back to their birth families. There was no way I would be able to deal with that after dealing with fertility stuff.
  Once I started focusing on me and my health, I started improving. I just did follow up labs recently and my primary care doctor is pretty sure that I will be able to stop taking the medication for pre-diabetes soon and my testosterone levels have come way down. I have also lost almost 20 pounds and my anxiety and depression has improved without medication. It was hard to get to this point and I don't think I could have gotten to this point without the support of my husband. He has been my biggest cheerleader and supporter. He goes with my to most of my doctor appointments which I appreciate because sometimes he thinks of really good questions I wouldn't have thought about. He also is really good at keeping me calm during or before procedures (unless they are poking me with needles) and takes good care of me when I am feeling horrible.
  I let PCOS control me for too many years and now that I have taken the control back, I am feeling better physically and mentally. I'm proud of myself for all the hard work I've done over the past year and that pride has led to more respect for myself. I never realized how important respect for yourself was until I realized I had absolutely no respect for myself at all. PCOS no longer controls me, but it is still there trying to cause problems. I'm proud of myself and definitely have some respect for myself not, too.

On The Go Breakfast Ideas

   For more healthy recipes, be sure to follow our Facebook page. I will only post recipes I try and like. I will post recipes that I have modified on the blog.
 We do a lot of day trips and traveling and most of the time we leave really early in the morning. Most of the time, I'm not hungry before we load up in the vehicle before we leave so I have to bring something with me. This takes some planning ahead, especially now that we are eating healthier. Recently, I tried these 2 recipes and am very happy with them as on the go breakfast options. The second recipe is my favorite one. I think I'm going to start making big batches of that one and then freezing them.

Banana & Raisin Breakfast Cookies
3 ripe bananas
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/3 cup olive oil
1 cup raisins (of other dried fruit)
2 cups rolled oats

Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
Mash the bananas in a bowl and add the rest of the ingredients. Mix ingredients well.
Let the ingredients rest in the fridge for 10 minutes.
Drop mixture by teaspoon on parchment covered cookie sheet.
Bake for 20 minutes and then cool on wire rack.

Banana-Nut Oatmeal Cups
3 cups rolled oats
1 1/2 cups low-fat  or almond milk
2 ripe bananas, mashed
1/3 cup coconut sugar
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teas ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup toasted chopped  pecans ( or walnuts or almonds)

Preheat oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit. Coat muffin tin with cooking spray.
Combine oats, milk, bananas, sugar, eggs, baking powder, cinnamon, vanilla and salt in bowl. Fold in pecans.
Bake until toothpick comes out clean. Cool in pan 10 minutes and then finish cooling on wire rack. Serve warm or at room temperature.

Roasted Red Pepper Sauce

 

 I couldn't wait to share this recipe with you! It was one of the first Mediterranean recipes I experimented with. Here is the original recipe: https://pin.it/poefeuw5ssfmwp

  I made a few modifications to the recipe and am very happy with the results. First, I only used the sauce recipe, not the meatballs. I put the sauce on chunks of chicken that were seasoned with olive oil and oregano and cooked in a frying pan. The original recipe gives instructions on roasting the red peppers yourself, but I used jarred roasted red peppers.

  Here is the recipe:

• 6-9 Jarred Roasted Red Peppers
• 1/2 cup Olive Oil
• 1/4 cup Red Wine Vinegar
• 1 teaspoon Salt

Add all ingredients to blender and pulse until smooth. Pour on or warm up separately.

This can be used on meat, veggies, rice, pasta or anything else you want to drizzle it on. Once my chicken was cooked, I poured the sauce into the pan to warm it up. I served the chicken over couscous with green beans on the side. My green beans were a little freezer burned, so the sauce helped fix that, too.

Next time, I am going to add some basil, marjoram or something similar to the sauce. It was really good the way it was, but I think the extra seasoning would make it even better.

Eating My Veggies

  I hate diets. I hate the rules, the extreme cravings, the possibility of gaining everything back and usually the taste of the food you are allowed to eat. I'm not an extremely picky eater, but there are a lot of healthy foods that I think taste horrible (avocado is #1 on that list).
  Last summer, I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes. I panicked and started making even more changes in my lift. My doctor referred me to a dietitian and after that appointment, I became even more confused about diets and what I should and shouldn't be eating. The dietitian said I should count calories, but I should also keep things low carb, and I needed to watch my portions and eat mostly vegetables. I tried counting my calories and watching my carbs for about a month and kept getting frustrated. I never knew how many calories were in an apple! I thought apples were supposed to be one of the best foods you could eat! One apple would pretty much take up my entire calorie count for breakfast which meant I was starving by the time I went to lunch. I decided to focus on keeping my carbs down, but I didn't lose any weight with that. I remember when the Atkins diet first gained popularity, my Mom made me try it and I didn't lose weight on it back then, either.
  After a little over a month of failing at what the dietitian said I should do, I just started focusing on making sure my plate was mostly vegetables instead of lower in calories and carbs. All of a sudden, my work clothes were fitting loose and my favorite pair of jeans can't be worn without a belt! I realized stressing over counting calories and special ingredients wasn't helping me at all. Focusing on filling my plate with veggies and not stressing helped me lose some weight and I was excited.

  I started doing some research on diets that were easy to follow, could be adaptable for what I liked and for travel, didn't have to keep track of calories or carbs or any other numbers, and the food would actually taste good. All of my research kept leading me to the Mediterranean Diet. I was already sort of following the Mediterranean Diet anyway, when I stopped the counting and focused on veggies. I'm not going to go into the specifics of the diet, because there are so many websites out there that are dedicated to the diet and they do a much better job at explaining everything. (Olive Tomato is a really good one with info and recipes.)
Here are the main reasons I like the Mediterranean Diet:

• NO counting carbs or calories or anything else!!
• The focus is on eating more vegetables. If there is a vegetable I don't like in a recipe, it is easy and OK to leave that one out.
• The main sources of protein are fish and beans. There are only a few fish I like and a few beans I don't like. It is also easy to substitute a fish or bean I do like. Sometimes, I substitute chicken breast for the fish.
• It is OK to use frozen or canned veggies. That means less stress about using fresh veggies before they go bad, especially this time of year when there aren't a lot of veggies in season. That also means there are more options than just a salad.
• Fruit is OK!!! I am so excited about this one! I don't have to feel guilty about eating an apple or strawberries.
• It is easy to follow, which gives me confidence instead of stress when I'm making my choices about what I'm going to eat. 
• It doesn't feel like a diet, because there aren't many things on the restrictions list.
• You don't need to buy a lot of special ingredients to make one dish.
• We do a lot of road trips and camping and it won't be hard to keep following this diet while we are traveling and camping.
• It is an easy lifestyle change to switctoto.
• I can still have pasta, rice and breads (whole grain).

 This photo shows how easy this diet is: Grilled Mahi Mahi with Steamed Broccoli

  Eating better and not stressing about what I can and can't eat makes me feel better about myself. I'm excited about checking my weight now, even after I give into a chocolate craving. If I do have a chocolate craving and give into it, I don't feel like I've had a major set-back and it screwed up all the progress I've made so far.

  This diet may not work for you, so I recommend doing lots of research before starting any diet. It is also a good idea to speak to a doctor about the diet you choose to make sure that it will work with your health conditions. Find recipes that go with your diet and see if they can be modified to fit your tastes and lifestyle before going out and buying a bunch of ingredients you may not use. Experiment! Until recently, I had no idea I loved Feta cheese and that I hated chickpeas! 

  Choosing this diet has made a HUGE difference in my respect for myself. I feel better and my lab work has already showed it is helping (I'm almost out of the pre-diabetes range only 6 months after finding out I was in the range.) I get excited about trying new recipes because they usually taste GREAT (I have had a couple not so good ones, though.) and that gives me more motivation and confidence to keep on doing what I'm doing. That motivation and confidence it turn makes me happier with myself and overall happier.

I Like To Play With Rocks

The crystals I keep on my desk at work.

 A little over a year ago, I decided I had to make some healthier choices. I was dealing with some anxiety and feeling down a lot. I didn't want to start taking anxiety or depression medication, so I started researching alternative ways to help. I was reading a book about a group of people that started using crystals for different problems and got curious. I have been drawn to unique rocks and rock formations since I was a kid, so I was also a little excited.  I started doing a bunch of research on crystals and their uses and became enamored. I was definitely skeptical at first and only bought a few.
  Almost immediately after I started carrying them, I noticed a difference. I may not feel the vibrations that some people claim they can feel, but I can definitely feel the energy. I feel warmer, happier, calmer and less angry when my crystals are nearby. I am extremely drawn towards amethyst, especially the banded or chevron amethyst. I carry a smaller sized banded amethyst in my packet every day and have noticed my anxiety level has decreased by a LOT.

  I love researching the uses of all of my current and future crystals. I have kept notes on all of the crystals I currently have. When I'm researching other crystals and get that "I HAVE To Have It" feeling, I will research the crystal to see what its properties are and how it can help me. Sometimes, I don't feel like I need it right away, but I keep researching it because something is telling me that I will know when I do need it. Each crystal has a lot of different uses. I will go over some of my favorite crystals and their uses in future posts.

Notes about each crystal I own.

  Taking notes on each of my crystals and then going back to review my notes, helps me reconnect with them. I may not remember why I bought a certain crystal until I read through my notes. When I remember why I bought it and how it helps, I get that exciting feeling I had when I brought it home. Every month, during the full moon, I gather all of my crystals and place them in a basket and set them outside under the full moon to recharge. I also feel like I am reconnecting to all of them all over again each month. There are some crystals that stay in bags for special purposes (sleep, travel, medical, etc.) and there are some that I don't use every day. Taking them out of their storage every month reminds me of what I have and why I have them. I love looking at all of them in the basket. I always feel happy and excited looking at them fresh off a full moon charge.

Getting ready to charge under the full moon.

  Crystals may not work for you or they may affect you differently. One of the good things about crystals is, you can get cheaper ones to try at gift shops or online and see if they do work for you. Also, Crystals may not be your "thing." Try things that interest you and that you are drawn to. Essential oils or incense may be what works for you.

  Part of learning to respect yourself, is finding ways that help you emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc. Some of those ways may be alternative methods that seem a little crazy to everybody else. Don't worry about what they think, though. I don't care if people look at me funny when they find out I have a little baggy of rocks in my pocket. I feel better knowing that baggy is there or seeing it nearby and that is more important than what other people think of me.

Realistic Goals To Reach Ultimate Goals

 One of the hardest things I had to focus on when I started my journey, was setting goals. I had a lot of big goals that I wanted to meet, but there was no way I was going to make all of them happen in the timeline I wanted. I had to learn to set realistic goals to reach those bigger goals.

  Like a lot of people, one of my biggest goals is weight loss. Setting a goal to lose 100 pounds is an Ultimate Goal and if I keep focusing on that big number, I will get frustrated and give up. Instead, I set smaller goals in reasonable time periods to reach my ultimate goal. I'm going to keep using weight loss as an example, because most people relate to that one and it is easier to give examples for.
  My weight loss goals are not all based on pounds and time periods. One of my goals was to find a diet that I could maintain and would be more of a lifestyle change than a "diet diet." I didn't want to have to count calories or carbs because I knew that would get frustrating and I would quit doing it. I didn't want to have to buy a bunch of specialty ingredients that I would probably not eat and end up wasting money on. I also wanted to be able to enjoy the food. So, I came up with the goal to find a diet that I could easily follow and that I would enjoy. I discovered the Mediterranean Diet and so far I am liking it. I will do more posts on my experience with this diet. The main change is focusing more on vegetables and less on the meat and side. This has actually been a pretty easy change, which means I am more likely to keep following the diet. That means I reached a weight loss goal!!
  When you reach a goal, be sure to celebrate it! It can be a little celebration like telling your spouse or friend. It would be silly to celebrate a weight loss goal by eating a cupcake or going out for a big meal. I have a co-worker that gives me a high-five every time I mention something about losing more weight and my husband tells me good job if I mention something to him. It's important to know who you can go to for those celebrations, though. Don't go to someone that is going to reply with, "I wish I could lose that much weight." That is not celebrating your accomplishment at all! If you are like me, that will bring those guilt feelings back that I was talking about in my last post. I will actually feel guilty for losing weight when that person isn't and that turns my celebration into a setback and ruins my motivation.
  Sometimes, you are going to have a set-back. I was doing really well with my weight loss over the recent holidays and then I had a few medical issues that made me sit on the couch and do nothing for awhile. It was frustrating and disappointing. I had to stay positive that I would be getting back to my new routine soon and remind myself not to sit and each chocolate while I pouted on the couch. Once each of my issues resolved, I got back to work. It was hard because all three set-backs happened really close together, so I felt like just as I was doing good, I was back on the couch.
  Out of respect to yourself, make sure you set realistic goals that can be achieved and then celebrated. Don't set goals that you will get frustrated trying to reach and when you have set-backs, get refocused and get back to work. Like the Fairy God Mother says,"Even miracles take a little time."
  

I Deserve This

  About a year ago, I decided I needed to make some changes in my life. I felt like I was doing everything for everybody else instead of for myself. I felt like everybody else was more important and I needed to make sure everything was taken care of for them before myself. I felt guilty if I planned a doctor appointment or to take a day to work on hobbies when someone else may need me to drive them somewhere or their house needed cleaning. I felt guilty for wanting to do stuff for myself. This mindset started with my Mom and even though she passed away a long time ago, she is still stuck in my head making me feel guilty about taking care of myself. 

   When I was old enough to get a job and start buying my own clothes, my Mom would make me feel guilty for buying them. I remember feeling horrible because I bought new socks for myself instead of for her. There were some times I would save up some money and offer to take my Mom out for ice cream and then all of a sudden I was guilted into buying lunch for her, me, my sister and  the neighbor. That was a lot more money than I had been planning on spending, but I didn't have to feel guilty about only buying my mom ice cream. When I moved out of my Mom's house, there were times I would be talking about cleaning or doing yard work at my own house and all of a sudden she's saying she wished someone would help her with all of those things. Of course that meant the following weekend I was at her house doing yard work or cleaning the kitchen that she and my sister made a mess in.

  I know I drive my husband crazy with the idea that I should come after everyone else. When we got married, we would actually fight over me buying new socks! I kept saying they were still good and he kept saying socks should only have one hole, not two to five. At that point, I had absolutely no respect for myself. We have been married for 14 years and once in awhile, we still argue Bout me buying new socks. It's hard to get that built pushed out of my head.

  Several years ago, I was diagnosed with PCOS (we'll discuss PCOS more later). I took the medications and was doing okay. I was working for a real estate company when the economy got bad and the real estate market got REALLY bad, they had to let go of most of the support staff. I lost my insurance so I stopped going to the doctor appointments and taking the medication. I didn't want to waist money on going to the doctor or buying health insurance, because I felt there were more important ways we should be spending our money. Also at that time, my mother-in-law was living with us and she was making us feel guilty for buying things like aa camper and a boat when her daughter was a single mother. She would also make us feel guilty for having a nice house when she had to drive a car that wasn't in the greatest shape. It was my own mother all over again. Thankfully, she only lived with us for three years and then she moved far away. I still didn't feel like I deserved to spend money on my health, though.

  Ten years after I stopped the medication for PCOS, I realized I needed to do something. I knew I had waited too long and I was not healthy. It took awhile for my husband to convince me to let him add me to his insurance through work, but he pointed out that if I wasn't healthy, we couldn't do those other things I kept thinking were better ways to spend our money. While we were waiting on open enrollment for his insurance I started researching doctors and other stuff like crystals, tattoo artists and other things that made me happy. I'll explain all of that in other posts.

  It has taken me a long time to realize I deserve to feel healthy and happy. I still have to fight the guilty feelings, but not as much and not as forcefully as I used to. My husband is a great support and  reminds me that I do deserve these changes. Even when I come up with some crazy things, he says "Whatever works for you." This mostly applies to my new addiction to crystals.

  Through this blog, I want to share what has helped me and hopefully help other people. Not everything that works for me will work for you, but I hope that it helps give you a place to start. You deserve to be happy just as much as I do and just as much as everybody else around you.