My PCOS Battle

  I thought about saving this post for later, but I keep mentioning my health problems and making changes and PCOS is the center of those health problems and one of the main reasons for the changes. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) around 2004 and it was a relief and a burden at the same time.
  The relief was, that there was finally an explanation for a bunch of the symptoms. I have dealt with embarrassing facial hair and arm hair, irregular periods and weight gain since high school. I tried everything I could on my own and nothing worked. I just dealt with people making fun of me and pretended it didn't hurt.
  The burden was that there is no cure for PCOS and I would still have to try to figure out how to manage the symptoms on my own along with some medications. It also meant that there was a possibility I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. When my husband and I were ready to try to have kids, I started Clomid for fertility and started that process. The Clomid made me feel crazy and angry all the time, so when it was obvious it wan't going to work, I really didn't want to try another fertility treatment in case it made me feel worse. Around that same time, the economy was not doing good and I was working for a real estate office and they had to let go of most of the office staff. That meant I lost my insurance which meant I stopped going to the doctor and eventually stopped taking all of the medication for PCOS.
  I went ten years ignoring my PCOS. About two years ago, I realized I had ignored it for way too long. I started researching ways to improve it on my own which led me to crystals, but I knew I needed to get into a doctor. The initial labwork came back with high testosterone (I knew that was going to happen) and pre-diabetes (I didn't know that was going to happen). I panicked and started doing everything the doctors were telling me to do. I went to see a nutritionist, found a new primary care doctor, started the medication, started exercising more, found a diet I could follow and started focusing on myself.
  During the 10 year break and then the start of making changes, I also had to deal with the realization that I would never have a baby. I dealt with my disappointment and negative feelings about myself, but it was hard. When people asked when we were going to have kids or why we weren't having kids, it was a reminder that my body failed me.When people told me that if it was meant to be it would happen, that made me feel worse. It made me feel like God didn't think I was worthy or good enough to be a mother. Adoption wasn't an option either because I couldn't deal with the possibility of losing the kids I was attached to. I knew several couples that went through the foster and adoption process and were almost at the point of adoption and then at the last minute, the kids went back to their birth families. There was no way I would be able to deal with that after dealing with fertility stuff.
  Once I started focusing on me and my health, I started improving. I just did follow up labs recently and my primary care doctor is pretty sure that I will be able to stop taking the medication for pre-diabetes soon and my testosterone levels have come way down. I have also lost almost 20 pounds and my anxiety and depression has improved without medication. It was hard to get to this point and I don't think I could have gotten to this point without the support of my husband. He has been my biggest cheerleader and supporter. He goes with my to most of my doctor appointments which I appreciate because sometimes he thinks of really good questions I wouldn't have thought about. He also is really good at keeping me calm during or before procedures (unless they are poking me with needles) and takes good care of me when I am feeling horrible.
  I let PCOS control me for too many years and now that I have taken the control back, I am feeling better physically and mentally. I'm proud of myself for all the hard work I've done over the past year and that pride has led to more respect for myself. I never realized how important respect for yourself was until I realized I had absolutely no respect for myself at all. PCOS no longer controls me, but it is still there trying to cause problems. I'm proud of myself and definitely have some respect for myself not, too.