About a year ago, I decided I needed to make some changes in my life. I felt like I was doing everything for everybody else instead of for myself. I felt like everybody else was more important and I needed to make sure everything was taken care of for them before myself. I felt guilty if I planned a doctor appointment or to take a day to work on hobbies when someone else may need me to drive them somewhere or their house needed cleaning. I felt guilty for wanting to do stuff for myself. This mindset started with my Mom and even though she passed away a long time ago, she is still stuck in my head making me feel guilty about taking care of myself.
When I was old enough to get a job and start buying my own clothes, my Mom would make me feel guilty for buying them. I remember feeling horrible because I bought new socks for myself instead of for her. There were some times I would save up some money and offer to take my Mom out for ice cream and then all of a sudden I was guilted into buying lunch for her, me, my sister and the neighbor. That was a lot more money than I had been planning on spending, but I didn't have to feel guilty about only buying my mom ice cream. When I moved out of my Mom's house, there were times I would be talking about cleaning or doing yard work at my own house and all of a sudden she's saying she wished someone would help her with all of those things. Of course that meant the following weekend I was at her house doing yard work or cleaning the kitchen that she and my sister made a mess in.
I know I drive my husband crazy with the idea that I should come after everyone else. When we got married, we would actually fight over me buying new socks! I kept saying they were still good and he kept saying socks should only have one hole, not two to five. At that point, I had absolutely no respect for myself. We have been married for 14 years and once in awhile, we still argue Bout me buying new socks. It's hard to get that built pushed out of my head.
Several years ago, I was diagnosed with PCOS (we'll discuss PCOS more later). I took the medications and was doing okay. I was working for a real estate company when the economy got bad and the real estate market got REALLY bad, they had to let go of most of the support staff. I lost my insurance so I stopped going to the doctor appointments and taking the medication. I didn't want to waist money on going to the doctor or buying health insurance, because I felt there were more important ways we should be spending our money. Also at that time, my mother-in-law was living with us and she was making us feel guilty for buying things like aa camper and a boat when her daughter was a single mother. She would also make us feel guilty for having a nice house when she had to drive a car that wasn't in the greatest shape. It was my own mother all over again. Thankfully, she only lived with us for three years and then she moved far away. I still didn't feel like I deserved to spend money on my health, though.
Ten years after I stopped the medication for PCOS, I realized I needed to do something. I knew I had waited too long and I was not healthy. It took awhile for my husband to convince me to let him add me to his insurance through work, but he pointed out that if I wasn't healthy, we couldn't do those other things I kept thinking were better ways to spend our money. While we were waiting on open enrollment for his insurance I started researching doctors and other stuff like crystals, tattoo artists and other things that made me happy. I'll explain all of that in other posts.
It has taken me a long time to realize I deserve to feel healthy and happy. I still have to fight the guilty feelings, but not as much and not as forcefully as I used to. My husband is a great support and reminds me that I do deserve these changes. Even when I come up with some crazy things, he says "Whatever works for you." This mostly applies to my new addiction to crystals.
Through this blog, I want to share what has helped me and hopefully help other people. Not everything that works for me will work for you, but I hope that it helps give you a place to start. You deserve to be happy just as much as I do and just as much as everybody else around you.
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