My definition of a toxic person is someone who always brings you down either by words or actions. Toxic people can even be close to you: friends, family members, boss, co-workers, classmates, teachers, spouse/partner, etc. These people can make you feel horrible when you should be feeling great. These people can also make you feel worse when you are feeling down. They can also make you feel guilty for your accomplishments because they don't have an accomplishment to celebrate.
My advice on toxic people is to cut them out of you life, no matter who they are. That sounds harsh, but from my own experience, it makes you feel better and it strengthens your relationships with the non-toxic people in your life. Keeping a toxic person close to you, will only make you feel worse and worse every day.
My own mother was one of the toxic people I cut from my life. She was the one that actually stopped talking to me because I started sticking up for myself. At first, I was hurt and upset. When I realized not having her around to put me down all of the time, I felt better about it. I started to feel better about myself and I wasn't second guessing my decisions anymore. It was about 15 years ago when she stopped speaking to me and she died about 12 years ago. When she died, we still weren't speaking and I don't have any regrets about it. It sucks that I wasn't there for her while she was sick and that we didn't make up before she passed away, but I know me being there would have caused more drama and she didn't need that when she was so sick.
My own mom would put me down and make me feel horrible. When I was diagnosed with PCOS, she had to interrupt me explaining it to her and talk about her female problems that were resolved when she had her hysterectomy (and I knew about, because I was there for her surgery and recovery). When I had my gallbladder surgery, she did the same thing and had to explain how her experience was so much worse (it was, but I knew that already). When I won an award or got a promotion at work, she would make me feel guilty because she didn't win anything or get promoted. It got to the point that I didn't want to tell her anything anymore.She was very bad for my mental and emotional health. To this day, when I am doing something or making a decision, she is in my head telling me I'm doing it wrong or that's the wrong decision. I'm getting a lot better at ignoring her.
My sister and I can't be around each other or have a civil conversation. She is a lot like our mom, which surprises me since she went through the same experiences I did. The difference is, my sister says things that she knows will hurt. Once example is, she was also diagnosed with PCOS. She was talking about the treatments she was doing and asking me questions. We were talking about fertility treatments and all of a sudden she said "I'll never give up like you did." That hurt a lot. I never gave up. At the time she told me this, we were trying to decide if I should do another round of the fertility medication or not. Soon after, I lost my job and insurance. She also likes to remind me as much as she possibly can that I am not working in the field I went to college for. The only time we "talk," is when something is going on with our dad. I've tried to have a relation ship with her, but then when we talk in person or have a conversation about something other than our Dad, I am reminded why we don't talk. The anger and hurt builds up inside of me and I can't think or speak in complete sentences. i actually feel rage when I speak to her.
The third most toxic person in my life is a little harder to cut out of my life, because he is my boss. I'm working on it, but it's not happening as fast as I would like it to. My boss can make you feel like the world's dumbest person in 3 seconds. Even when you are right, he makes you feel like you aren't. He will change the schedule or one of his meetings will be changed and he won't tell me and then when it's wrong in the computer and/or on the calendar, he gets mad at me. He also blames staff for messages he lost or forgot about, telling the people his staff didn't tell him. At the end of the day, I'm exhausted and frustrated and I don't feel good about myself at all. Because I need a job, it's harder to cut him out of my life.
When toxic people are bringing you down all of the time, it is hard to respect yourself. You end up feeling worse about yourself, even though you are making improvements, reaching goals, earning achievements, or any other good thing happening in your life. In order to respect yourself, you have to get rid of the other people that don't respect you. A mother and sister should respect you enough to listen to what is going on with you, be happy for your achievements, and most importantly, not tell you horror stories about their surgery when you are going in for a similar surgery! I hate that I had to cut family out of my life, but at the same time, I like myself a lot more now. Since I like myself a lot more, that means I can respect myself a lot more.
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